| i know that no one ever gets on xanga anymore. i'm included in that statement. in fact, until a few days ago i had totally forgotten in existed. then i happily stumbled across it... like bumping into an old friend. i decided to write a little something. and this isn't because i wanted anyone to read it, though i certainly have no problem if you are. and it also isn't because i like talking to myself, though i must admit i do that sometimes. i think really it's because i always discover something about myself and how i really feel when i sit down and try to put words to it. trying to express emotions and change (be it happiness and growth, or heartache and another fall that leaves me flat on my face) helps me to understand them better myself. and i've been in one of those "inspired/creative" moods lately. so here is my little spiel...
college. it's an entity in and of itself. it's a noun of course. an campus. and an institution that promotes and enables learning. but in my life its been playing a slightly different role. don't get me wrong, i'm going to all my classes and learning a lot. and i spend almost all my time on campus, be it walking around, in class, with my friends, or in my dorm. but i think in my life college is more like an adjective. it's a state of being. it's a mindset. it speaks freedom and growth into my life. it's forcing me to be more independent. and it's helping me take more responsibility. and yeah... it's allowing me to do what i want when i want and i have to admit, that's pretty sweet.
but really where i am in my life and my heart is so much more significant than just college. i'm in that place in life where i'm wrestling with who i am and who i want to be. and what my purpose is...what am i meant to do with my life and where do i fit in?? it sounds like some cheesy book or movie where the main character has to face struggles and goes on crazy adventures and finds themself in the process. i sadly have to say that my journey isn't nearly as exciting. but at the same time it is to me. because it's a journey all my own... a road to be taken...an unseen adventure. learning to enjoy and love the little things helps make it that way. anyway. enough preaching to no one in particular. i'm growing so much as a person. fighting to keep strong and passionate in my faith and not grow to be forgetful or apathetic about the reason i live and my one true love. and i'm embracing my crazy self while learning how to not scare other people. lol. i'm taking numerous adventures into my own imagination and finding a whole new world there i never knew existed. and this i must admit is quite personal. its a part of me at the core of my being. a place no one else can go and that i could never quite explain. and i like that. and i love even more that my Lord and Love sees in and understands it and helps me perfect it. its a place He can join me. but He also lets me explore it by myself. and i'm finding adventure there as well. NO i'm not psychotic and no i don't see things in my head. it's hard to explain. its like a part of my personality. my dreams and my imagination. idk. it's weird. it's just how i roll. and i'm also finding myself more apt to dive into the pages of a book and get lost for hours on end. it's been a while since i've done that and i've missed it. i'm now out of things to say or at least ways to say them. i also have an 8:00 class tomorrow. so i'm out.
goodnight world wide web...
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| it's hard watching my world unravel and fall apart one piece at a time. i must admit, i knew this would happen but i didn't know how hard it would truly be for me. its something almost every kid on earth is destined to experience someday... college. one by one my friends are leaving, taking huge chunks of my heart with them. as i say this i'm beginning to tear up all over again. last night was my first official goodbye and let's just say it's a good thing i didn't have to drive home afterward. it's hard to watch some of the most important people in my life pack up for far away and exciting places. i'm excited for them and they're in my prayers as we all begin a new chapter in our lives (so cliche but i mean it). i know most of us are a little unsure of ourselves as we try out our wings for the first time. but i'm ready to fly.... beyond the life and comfort zone i've always known and through all the pain it takes to get there. i've never been good at goodbyes. i've never been able to let go. and the number of people from high school that usually actually keep in touch and stay close through and after college make me die a little inside. but i refuse to become another trend- another statistic. saying "see you in a few months" is something that's going to hurt and take time to get used to. but saying "goodbye" is something i pray we never do. that would just about kill me. but for now... let's hope i can make it through the next month in one piece....
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| A laundry list of problems doesn't make you interesting.
And never getting help doesn't make you brave.
Not listening to reason doesn't mean that you have faith.
You're just cutting off your nose to spite your face.
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| you're breaking my heart one piece at a time, one day at a time... and still i fall... and you come away with a great little story of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you... |
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| as i admit to myself the bumps in the road i also admit to myself one more thing... the fact that i could care less and that i'm losing ground faster and faster despite all the obstacles...that speaks volumes to me. it's those rare times in your life that you feel something so strongly and deeply inside that it almost makes you nausious. and you know you can't lose that feeling. and you can't lose what makes you feel that way. and you'll do anything because you know you can't let go. this is right. and it's scary. and it's perfect....bumps, flaws, and all. it's a step-at-a-time thing. and i'm learning as i go. it's an adventure. it's pretty exciting actually... |
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